Weight Loss
~HW:305
~SW:253
~GW1:225
~GW2:200
~GW3:175
UGW: meh, idk. Healthy, with my curves intact.
CW: 233
Height: 5’7”, on a good day.
So, anyway. I’ve always hated writing an “about me”. I find myself wondering who the fuck cares?:-) But here I go, regardless:
I’ve struggled with my weight practically all of my 28 years on this planet. My earliest memory of acting on this is when I was 5 years old. I stole diet pills out of my mother’s bathroom cabinet and proceeded to take them repeatedly over the next week. I was in kindergarten, was about 5’5” (practically Amazonian for that age), couldn’t even read the directions/warnings on the label,and weighed 127 lbs. I can remember seeing that number on the scale clearly, even 20+ years later. I was terrified of hitting 130. A week later I was 115. But then my body started to fight back… I passed out while walking into the kitchen flat out in front of my mother. She found out that I’d taken them and she was terrified. After a trip to the ER and copious amounts of blood work it was determined that I hadn’t done any permanent harm.
But the experience left its mark on me.
I continued to go up up up up and was overweight, but could never bring myself to get on the scale. Then the summer before my sophomore year of high school I decided to change. I don’t remember why, exactly. I was always teased, but was quite honestly used to it. I had shaped my image to be the quirky fat friend that everyone wanted at their parties cuz I was just that fucking hilarious.
But I was tired of everything, tired of me…just tired. I finally weighed and found myself staring down the barrel of 200 lbs. By the time I went back in the fall for my sophomore year I was 165. The attention was overwhelming, and I loved it. I continued to lose over the year, and started my Junior year at 140. At 5’7” and an athlete, this was just about as perfect as I could get.
I loved it, I flaunted it, I owned that shit.
But guess what? I hadn’t made any lasting changes. I hadn’t learned anything. The weight stayed off that year and the next by default: I played basketball, volleyball, soccer, track. I was a dancer on a competitive squad. But when school was over and I said goodbye to those halls for good…..I had no good habits, I was lazy. I got a job, then another job, moved out, gained 80 lbs, got married, and then got pregnant all before I turned 19.
I gave birth to my daughter weighing almost 300 lbs. Three years later I was down to 215 lbs. But then I got pregnant with my son. Guess how much I weighed when he was born? 305 lbs.
I stayed at about 270 for the next year.I was miserable. I was an alcoholic, a drug user, a cutter, and dealing with depression and anxiety attacks. My marriage was falling apart. I didn’t care.
Didn’t care about a damn thing anymore.
It was time to reinvent me from the ground up to the inside out. I got help with my addictions, got a good job that was physically active (industrial mechanic..i heart fixing stuff), got on some meds to balance me out,and got divorced.
With my life starting to look pretty damn good, I lost 60 lbs at a rapid rate.
Q: Guess what that does?
A: Fucks your gall bladder up.
I had to have it removed, or risk it exploding. Then my kidneys got jacked up. Good times, yeah? Now I was out of work, buried in medical bills, gaining weight back. My house was foreclosed on. I gave up again. Went all the way back up to 253 lbs. More cutting. Even more alcohol. Just basic misery all around. But yet again I got tired of it all. I wanted to be happy. I deserved it. Damn it, I really did deserve it. Who doesn’t?
So, over the last 2 years I’ve lost and gained the same 20 lbs. Over and over and over again. Time to really get my act together and put this part behind me for good.
I. Am. Done. With. That. Shit.
I will never be a swimsuit model. You will never see my bikini-clad body being used for thinspo. I will never have (or want) a gap between my thighs. I have stretch marks and scars and big hips and DD breasts. I have Mediterranean blood that I would never disgrace by becoming rail-thin;) But I will be healthy, I will be fit, I will be thinner, I will be sexy as hell….you can fucking bank on that.
(jesus, that was long. If you’re still with me here, much love, much love <3)
